Im home and venting

Hey all im home

so its taken me about a week and half to force myself to kind of process everything write some of it down.

it was really hard for me to come home. realizing how unbelievably fortunate i am to have the lifestyle that i live.

my first shocks:
driving on the other side of the road and the driver being on the right. Yesterday i went on the left side to get into the drivers side. that was weird.

WESTERN TOLIETS - OH I MISSED THEEE SO MUCH! You have no idea i mean it was interesting for the first six weeks without western and without TP but I absolutely could not take it anymore once we got to nepal.

I will never take for granted a great western toilet with a plethora of toilet paper.

Anotther thing is just how clean everything is. I remember the hell day me molly and ashley were flying from kathmandu to Bangalore and we got into Delhi and we went to the bathroom and it was clean and western - we all almost cried. literally. Now we were living very budget in nepal and i think it really got to me a lot.

Its also been so weird hearing american music again. There is so much new and great music at home. First it was weird and now everytime i put on my bollywood i need to turn it off. its really terrible. so squeaky and it freaks me out when i hear so much english in it because it just sounds terrible.

but i do miss india a lot. Until I start thinking about how much i love/hate hate hated it. honestly i dont think there is a culture in the world this is so absolutely different and complicated and rooted as india.

I had a dream last night that my family moved to bangalore. it was more of a nightmare. i was really surprised by my reaction. it was actually terrifying. i remembered how impossible it is to communicate with everyone. I was just stared at and so uncomfortable. All the people looking at me and i hate how in india its impossible to just go and buy something. it takes forever to bargain and attempt to communicate and its just so issolating and NOT a welcoming culture.

i was jsut so uncomfortable there. i remember when i was traveling with my parents we would show up to these places and i did not want to get out of the car. i jsut felt to attacked. the beggers and the sellers and the overwhelming nature of india.

all i wanted was to be around other tourist and to feel safe. i think i just felt so uncomfortable with alllll of the attention. it was never good attention . i remember just at night walking around in dharwad one night and just the hords of men just staring at us. just hte feeling of so many eyes on you and just the violation that i felt with it. they jsut looked at us so sexually and it was so uncomfortable.

i think on top of the oppressive role of women, i hated the men that are everywhere in groups. there creepy and always drunk.

we would go out to dinner and it was all men and we had to sit in the family section ebcause we were women and all the men were getting drunk and staring at us.

i mean not just looking. getting up and taking pictures without our consent and having their eyes glued on us.

i remember this one night we were at a bar and there was literally a 12 year old kid as a bus boy. and they had the worst bathroom. uhh it still haunts me and it was both male and female and it was so disgusting. uihhhghgh i cant even think about that.

uhh and the time in bangalore when we called downstairs at our hotel becasue we wanted a liquor store to buy beers and then drink in our room and the WOMEN downstairs told me that women dont ask those questions and to put a man on the phone. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT.

Just the role of women just gets me so heated. im so not used to having to ask a guy to come with me at night to go some place and to never walk anywhere alone.

ohhh and the head wobble! every indian does it. men. women. children. its an ambiguous way of saying yes/just being really misleading and making no sense.

Another thing i realized is just how completely deeply rooted the culture of india is. soooooo deep and the way prayer works and the different mark and colors on your head which show that youve prayed and to what god. it just so incredibly different.

I just dont know how to answer when people ask me about india. itsjust so overwhelming

i want to tell them about the cows, the traffic, the nooicese peeing everywhere smog but i just cant even believe that i experienced everything. the idea that there are no such thing as a line. and everyone is so agressive and even standing at line buying groceries is stressful.

and haggling over a rickshaw and ordering at a restaurant because i dont know what anything is and it always too spicy or weird and not comfort food. i missed just eating food the way i like it and having a real kitchen that isnt covered in ants and smells funny.

okay this was a sufficient vent session.

thanks for listening.

ill be back soon for more of this